Fight...for our right!

Well.

This must be the world record for longest ATTEMPT at writing a blog post. I have sat down, with head and heart aligned, took one look at this blank space, and immediately found something easier to do. I have always loved to write...but turns out when it is about myself and more specifically the timeline in the last year...the potential of this blank space was utterly overwhelming.

But today...today is better timing. I took a step in the right direction today, literally, an actual step!! First time walking since surgery 6 weeks ago. And miraculously enough, this is the first painfree step I have taken since last June. There are no words to describe what I felt. Such a simple action, but such a complicated course to get there.

You know the story, no need for me to make that selfless and violent action into words again. But I spent the last year angry and just so so sad. My livelihood was stolen right from under me and I was left stripped down to basics. The fear I had of being face to face with a sense of self that I could not recognize made the recovery from this experience exponentially difficult for me.

I struggled. I cried (alot). I isolated myself from my friends. Struggled some more. Somehow managed to completely lose sight of how to care for myself. My mom was the one who basically forced me to seek help. I was initially reluctant, but agreed. And now I can say with wholehearted belief that is THE BEST thing I have ever done for myself. Not only going through counseling, but the act of SEEKING counseling and recognizing I needed help. I have never done this. Always the ears for others, but unable to speak on my own behalf.

The following quote from a kickass lady named Audre Lorde has provided me with so much strength. Our society has taught us to disregard our well being for the greater good of production. We have become so busy DOING, that our schedules do not allow for time to just BE. And my God...what a disservice that is to us all.

Through this experience, I learned how to fight for myself. I learned how to explore dark portions of my life that needed light. I learned how to ask for help. We tend to cling tighter to achievements that have left us weary, and I can say that taking my first few steps today, I have truly never been more proud of myself. Audre speaks so loudly to me with these words. Moving forward from this last chapter, my friend, may we must always be our own strongest soldier.