And, Not But

A wise friend of mine once shared with me the importance of using the word "and" rather than using the word "but." It is important to recognize that I (we! you!) can feel more than one emotion at once. And all of those emotions are valid.

So, here goes:

I am in love with my baby girls, and I need a break from them.

Yes, I need a break from them.

I am in my home today, and Baby Naomi and her sisters are not here.

I am sitting at my kitchen table, and there is no baby attached to my body.

I am eating a dirt cake cup (YUM) that my sweet neighbor just dropped off, and no one is trying to 'flit' (split) it with me.

I am using my computer, and no sticky fingers are crawling all over the keys and the screen.

I am collecting my thoughts, and I don't hear any tiny little voice asking, "Mom? Mom? Mom?"

I am alone in my home, and I LOVE IT. 

If you know me, you know that I am obsessed with these baby girls (and husband!) of mine. I am so grateful to be the mother of this strong girl tribe; Kurt and I are certainly blessed beyond measure!

Also, between the pandemic, my maternity leave, and a host of other factors, catching more than a moment of solo me-time has been quite the challenge recently. In fact, it has been over 14 weeks that I have been alone in my home for more than 30 minutes.  And this quiet, this calm... it is so reparative.  It is not an indictment on my littlest loves; it is simply a truth.

After I had Junie, my first babe, I would have felt ashamed and embarrassed to share these feelings. Shouldn't I always want to be near my little ones? Shouldn't I always love to hear the sound of their excited squeals-- of them calling out to me?  The answer, I have learned, is an unequivocal no. 

Through my work, I am fortunate to see a little slice-- a cross-section, if you will-- of all different types of mothers.  Two of the themes of parenthood that I hear far too frequently in the work with my clients and their families are guilt and shame. I hear it from fathers, too, but mainly from mothers. Wonderful, attentive parents subtly (or not so subtly) express that they don't know if they're doing enough, they don't know if they are BEING enough for their babes.  This self-doubt and self-deprecation has GOT to stop, friends.

Mama, you ARE good enough. In fact, you are better than 'good enough.' You are strong. You are a force. You were meant to be the mother of your child, and no one can do a better job than you can. You are a phenomenal gift to your child. 

Am I grateful for this time? Absolutely.

Do I know that I'll miss this chaos like CRAZY in upcoming years? Absolutely.

And am I exhausted? Absolutely.

Peace out! ✌Time for a quick bowl of cookie dough ice cream and a nap!

Sacred Beings

The most influential course I took while at Marquette was "Psychology of Happiness," taught by the esteemed Dr. Anees Sheikh, who is now a professor emeritus. Dr. Sheikh was so wise, so calm, yet so full of life. The entire message of his course could be summed up in this phrase: "If you want to be happy, practice kindness." He spoke frequently of the Dalai Lama in his course. Years ago, I had the honor of speaking at Dr. Sheikh's retirement party, and there, I shared that it felt like he actually had served as Marquette's very own Dalai Lama. He was (and is!) a treasure of a human being, and I am grateful to have met him.

During that course, in addition to exams, we were responsible for a capstone paper-- a conglomeration of weekly journal prompts throughout the semester. In a rare afternoon cleaning-spree today, I found that paper -- 28 pages in total. So far, I have just read the first two entries. Many things in both entries stood out to me. My second entry is below.

Experiential 2: 1/29/2008: "You are Sacred Beings."

In our evening class, Dr. Sheikh led us through a reflection session, and he asked us to try to become as relaxed as possible and to focus only on our breathing. He started, "You are sacred beings," and he shared this meditation would simply be a glimpse of the sacredness of our beings. Dr. Sheikh said, "So much of our days involve fighting gravity; let your limbs and body SINK into the floor/chair." If thoughts came into our head, he said, we should just bring our mind back to concentrating on our breathing. 

Since I have only meditated a few times in my life, I was amazed at how well my body calmed. I am certain that my pace of breathing would further slow, though, if I practiced more often. A few moments after we were instructed to allow our bodies to succumb to gravity, I felt as if my head was going to fall to the side. I could focus on my breathing quite easily. At first, I was breathing rather rapidly, since I had just run to class. (Shocking. Haha.) After a short while, though, it slowed down greatly. The thing I appreciated most about this reflection was the immense silence. I live a very busy, FULL life, and I am constantly needing to remind myself that I am a human BEING, not a human doing. I truly believe that a certain peace inside my body can lead to a deep, deep happiness. All day, I was stressed about my Physiology exam-- my first exam of the semester-- at 11 o'clock the next morning. During this twenty-minute reflection session, I completely stopped stressing out about the exam. It fully left my mind during that period; it was SUCH a great feeling! I typically exert a lot of energy stressing for upcoming exams, so it is a good lesson for me to learn to relax before a big test. Last semester, I wrote myself a note during finals week; it read, "I am a brilliant girl, and grades don't really matter." HA! If that second part were only true! How great would that be? Regardless, this meditation made me recognize the benefits of relieving my body of stress/anxiety. As Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." This meditation opened my eyes to the power of tranquility, and this recognition was something that I really needed in my life. I know this lone meditation will not provide the desired stillness for too long, so I should try to keep this [meditating] up. I loved this feeling that my mind was at ease. In my hectic life, I also rarely get enough sleep, and I felt quite rested and energized after this twenty-minute session. I will remember this calming, yet revitalizing, exercise the next time I am feeling exhausted. 

While I feel (know!) that I am exposing myself through sharing this journal entry-- well, and really all of these blog posts!-- I find it beneficial for myself that I do so. Looking back on my earlier writings tells me so much. This journal entry is like a little love letter, a little gift from my 20-year-old self to myself today. I imagine many of you have similar-- though uniquely your own!-- experiences. I hope this blog can be a source of light or encouragement to you.

Things that struck me:

• I was struggling with undiagnosed anxiety at that time. Oh my goodness, how I used to stress about every little exam and paper back in college and grad school! It is true that I still feel anxious at times. It is also true that I have learned a great deal in the past eleven years. Getting older is so much fun! 😆
• I was telling myself that grades don't matter, but I was not believing that sentiment. It would have been much better for me to place less emphasis on grades throughout my school. In my life today as a mother of young babes, what do I fret about that I should let go of? 
• I did-- and DO!-- live a very happy and blessed life. Practicing and writing my "experientials" that semester was so enjoyable and so meaningful for me. I look forward to reading the rest!
• Dr. Sheikh is a saint. I am incredibly lucky to have received the education that I did.
• Sitting still is hard for me. In fact, it's foreign to me. I still struggle with allowing myself to sit still... hence, the title of this blog that I named and began over 5 years ago, but still 6 years after taking Dr. Sheikh's course.  
• Kurt is the best partner; he teaches me so much, and I am extremely grateful that soccer brought me to him 9 years ago!
• Meditation, prayer, intentional/slow breathing, and reflection are good for the soul and are so very grounding! It would be fruitful for me to spend more time in these practices.
• Philippians 4:8 has become even more important for our family since 2009. Philippians 4:8, and more specifically, Tommy Newberry's The 4:8 Principle book, have been so helpful in finding joy even in the midst of some turbulent times.
• This meditation and reflection reminds me of a funny happening from yesterday. Apparently, my two-year-old has taken to setting videos or photos as "Stories" on our phones. Kurt was shocked the other day while watching a satirical video of me on his phone. "Did you post this on my Instagram?" he asked. "Absolutely not," I laughed. "Why? Is it posted?" ROSE!!!  She did this last week, too! Little Rose had posted a ridiculous video of me that Kurt made me repeat as proof that I was saying that the pandemic has made me realize it is okay to slow down and to not schedule every moment of every day with activities, outings, and get-togethers. In the video, I commit to scheduling just one activity per day. The truth is-- I just love being around people and going on adventures!! But it is true that being (trapped!) at home so often has been enjoyable in many ways. [Of note, the video, itself, is funny and fine. I just did not mean for this declaration to be shared with the world! Rose decided to make a joke at her mama's expense!] Rose is a sneaky one, and my twenty-year-old self knew that I needed to keep being reminded of the power of tranquility.
  

Juneteenth

Friends,

Happy Juneteenth!

A strong mama and the owner of Snowshoe & Company, Ali Yahnke, posted this beautiful statement several days ago:

"Black lives matter. Until we confront and unseat the systems of oppression that tell us that Black lives *don't* matter, we must say it, we must stand for justice.

It has been eye opening on many levels for me to watch, listen and open myself to the depth of systemic racism and oppression that has been laid bare in the recent weeks and months. And I ask myself, "How have I been complicit in these systems?" What I keep coming back to is this: it's not enough to be "not racist," I (we) must be anti racist. And also this: all of our activism looks different, we use our voices differently, and it starts at home. It doesn't look one way to do the work of anti-racism, and it's a lifelong process, but one thing is true: we (white people) must commit to doing the work, today and every day."

I am grateful for Ali's poignant statement; it has been on my heart each day since I first read it. It so captures my sentiments of the last few weeks following the unnecessary and horrific murder of George Floyd. [And I, of course, am sharing Ali's words with permission. Thank you, Ali!]. I love that Ali reminds us that our activism looks different. How and when I am responding may be different than how my loved ones (you) are responding, and that is okay. Above all, I have hope in humanity, and I have hope in the United States. I have hope that, one day, our starting points and everyday interactions will not be affected by our race.

I am also grateful that, this year-- and hopefully every single year to come-- this date is getting at least a portion of the attention it deserves. What an incredibly important day and moment in the history of our nation-- a day and moment that I, embarrassingly, have only recently been learning more about. If you'd like more information on Juneteenth, check out this article. If you, like me, are wondering why you aren't more familiar with the holiday, I found this article by Daniella Silva to be particularly informative. [Articles brought to my attention by Annie Johnson of Knittedhome. Thanks, Annie!]

As I continue to pray on and wrestle with how I will be a better ally and fighter for my brothers and sisters of color (and for other marginalized groups), these are the things that I, personally, at the very minimum, am  committing to do:

• Better vary the voices from which I read and to whom I listen. The first two books I am reading and discussing are So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo and Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. I am also eager to watch Ava DuVernay's 13th documentary.
• Speak up and out against racism, regardless of the circumstances.
• Initiate and engage in conversations about race with people of color and with other friends. It is not comfortable for me to do this, so that, to me, is an indication that it is exactly what I need to be doing.
• And I absolutely will teach my young daughters to celebrate diversity and all cultures. I implore you to do the same; let's not perpetuate this vicious cycle. We, parents, have quite an enormous responsibility to teach our babes how to love one another deeply. Our itty bitty babies today will be the lawmakers of tomorrow, and that is a beautiful thing.

harden not your heart

I was first introduced to the artist, Lauren Daigle, in February of this year. I remember the date exactly: February 3rd, 2020. It was the day after Kurt's birthday and the night before we had to unexpectedly say our final goodbye to our sweet boston terrier, Marlo.  I was 32 weeks pregnant with our third little lady, and Kurt was briefly home between two [Lizzie-sanctioned!] international trips, which was leaving me with a lot of "mom-ing" to do. A fellow mama in a faith-sharing group for mothers of young children played Lauren's song, Rescue, for us. I was so drawn to the song and to the message. 

Since that date, WOW. It goes without saying, but life has become a bit more challenging and chaotic--a bit sadder. My heart is hurting to see how others are hurting. It is hard to rest in the ambiguity and fragility of our health (and that of our loved ones) amidst the pandemic, to grapple with all these immediate changes in our communities, and to hear and see people respond indifferently to the plight of our black brothers and sisters. Perhaps most difficult for me is wrestling with the thought that my own inattention may have played a role in perpetuating that plight.

On February 3rd, when I heard Lauren's song, it resonated with me. When I heard Lauren's song today, I heard it with a new lens. I was moved again by her words. 

So let's go, friends. Do not allow your heart to be hardened [Hebrews 3:15]. Use this time to allow the Holy Spirit to work creatively in you. The time is NOW (well, actually, it was yesterday!) to treat one another with the respect every single human being (CHILD OF GOD!!) deserves. It is time to listen, to ask questions, and to better educate ourselves. It is time to put aside our fear and to engage in meaningful conversations. It is time to ensure that our children know "loving our neighbor" means undeniably loving every person, regardless of race, sex, class, ability, sexual orientation, creed, age, and so on. It is time to look into the face of our neighbors and to see Christ, to see goodness, and to see love, for when we care about life, we care about all life.